Do you have problems feeling happy for days and months at a time? Do you not find joy in many of the activities you used to love- such as watching Twins games? Do you struggle with thoughts of suicide or murder on a regular basis?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you might be suffering from holycrapthisseasonsuckssobadiwishwewerentinlastplaceiwanttokill -myselfandothersisitis more commonly known as last place depression.
Coping with last place depression can be difficult at times- you may be left to ponder questions such as- Does God hate me? Did my parents raise me out of spite hoping that I would be miserable? Should I set the local chinese restaurant on fire? Are my children actually aliens implanted by Satan to rape and torture me and steal my money and food? While such questioning can prove to be useful in rooting out these evil traitors in our lives, they oftentimes lead to punishable offenses being committed.
Thankfully there is a way out.
The professionals at Hrbekistan Health & Pharmaceuticals Inc. through years of testing have developed a cure. Early testing conducted in one particular study showed that eating excessive amounts of chicken wings could at least during consumption help to numb the pains of last place depression (LeCroy, 2002).
HHP in later years discovered a breakthrough in treatment of this disease: it was proven that in fact that when the White Sox lose at the hands of the Twins the symptoms of Last Place Depression not only disappear altogether for those who watch, but the worldwide infant mortality rate decreases by 74%, rape and violent crimes decrease by 48%, enmity between Isrealis and Palestinians actually cease for a time, and the overall sinfulness of the world decreases by 67%.
As such we advise all Hrbeki citizens to at least temporarily divert their attention from murdering their children and burning down Chinese restaurants to sabotaging the White Sux and watching the Twins win the series. Such a plan offers promise in eradicating this dreadful disease.
We here at HHP are committed to the welfare of every hrbeki citizen- we may still feel the effects of last place depression throughout this season, but at least for one series let us make the world free of this awful epidemic.
Thank you.
Hrbekistan Health and Pharmaceuticals Inc.
Andrew Henry
Chip Kincaid
Dickbaby
Bravo, hermano.
Evidently, Freyr, the Norse God of Rain, has decided in his infinitely questionable wisdom to piss all over our party.
I feel the weight of the A.L. Central standings looming above me even more acutely than the hateful rainclouds above sent to cancel the cure; all is darkness.
In times like this, I can only turn to the sweet release of chicken wings.
Ya know what’s really depressing? 8 hits to start a game. Suck it, Hippie Giants!
hahaha apparently there is serious progress being made in the fight against last place depression…