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Archive for August, 2010

Blackout in Hrbekistan

You may (or likely not) have noticed that I have not been writing posts the last 4 days. Did I lose my hrbeki patriotism? Did I defect to the rather inglorious  nation of Whitesuxistan? Not so my friends. Due to an unfortunate course of events I have been without electricity (and internet) for the past week.  Electricity is useful. If all goes well it should be back on tomorrow!

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1st Inning-

I don’t know how many of you noticed the white powder on cliff lee’s hat:

The Question isn’t whether it is cocaine, but it’s whose cocaine is it, Josh Hamilton’s or Ron Washington’s?

I think it's his

2nd inning-

Before the game I be talkin to chip kincaid. I says to him, “you know who is going to own Cliff Lee tonight?” he says back “who?” and I says “Delmon Young.”

I says to myself, “I very well might be psychic.”

TWINS up 3-0

3rd Inning

Cuddyer 2 run double

I did a portrait of him to honor him and his 2 run double

TWINS up 5-0

4th inning

Splashzilla- Hangin out with Ron Washington. He’s got the good shit.

Indeed he does. He also played like “good shit” for the minnesota twins a long time ago.

5th Inning-

Liriano through 5-   1 H 1BB  4 Ks   Keep it up Fran

6th inning-

Jim The Lumberjack Thome axes one off the not so sexy alexi ogando.

TWINS up 6-0

7th inning-

Liriano gives up a couple hits leading to a couple of runs proving he just might be human, however he does possess some godlike qualities.

Liriano 7IP 5H 2ER 1BB 6K

TWINS up 6-2

8th inning-

The Ultimate Warrior comes in to pitch.

Unfortunately Vladimir Guerrero must have been possessed by the late former WWE champion Eddie Guerrero‘s spirit, because he just piledrived that ball deep to left.

If you dont know who Eddie Guerrero is, or you just like listening to high quality musical masterpieces such as 3 doors down’s “Here without you” then you should watch this video.

TWINS now only up 6-4

9th Inning-

MATT CAPPS does what he is supposed to do.

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First Inning

Now for today’s episode of our favorite reality tv show:

Duensing gets off  to a bit of a rough start giving up a 2 run shot to J Ham. 2-0 Rangers.

Second Inning

My music teacher told me a story in third grade about when she lived on a farm. One of their cows died and had bloated up in the heat of the summer. It started to stink so her dad had to move it and when he started pulling it with a tractor a ‘possum crawled out his but and she threw up. Gross story but it relates to this inning.

According to the Texas telecasters, CJ Wilson is practically the best pitcher ever existing in our dimension. In the second inning Kubel doubled off of CJ then advanced to third on an error. Kubel subsequently scored on Danny V’s groundout. CJ gave up a run? What could explain such phenomenon? Apparently Jason “Big Possum” Kubel’s family was in town for the game…

Thanks to some innard-munching possum action the Twins are now down 2-1.

Third Inning

Meh boring inning… Rangers score again. 3-1.

But in other Twins news. Recent acquisition Matt Capps was on Top Chef tonight(who better to be on top chef than our cuddly doughboy?). In case you missed it… there was one oh so sexy moment where Matt Capps fed Adam Dunn by hand. BEHOLD THE GLORY

Thank you John Lannan for the wistful/jealous gaze. An unfortunate side note: Capps’ was put on the 60-day-DL for bitten off fingertips on his pitching hand.

Fourth Inning

Thank you Rangers broadcasters Tom Grieve and Josh Lewin for completely talking up Andres Blanco. I think they talked about him for 5 minutes at least. He has played SOO well recently- this month he’s batting 254 with a .624 ops. WOOT WOOT.

I think the only thing he’s got going for him is that he looks like a hybrid of Johan Santana and Verne Troyer.

Fifth Inning

Denard got an RBI double scoring Danny Valencia. Then JJ Hardy scored on Mauer’s groundout tying up the game. WOOHOO.

SPANCAKES ON THE HOUSE!!!

Sixth Inning

Twins threatened to score but failed then Vlad jacks one out. It sucked.

But the dot race was awesome…

Seventh Inning

Boring inning- Received a request from an Hrbeki attending the game for a shoutout. So here it is! God bless your faithful dedication to the glorious nation of Hrbekistan!

GO MARSHALL!

Eighth Inning

They sure like their wieners in Texas!!

Holy crap!!??!?! IS THAT KOBAYASHI??????

Ninth Inning

The Twins fail to tie the game, making the score 4-3 final. So we’ve lost the first 3 games of the series… kind of embarassing. But here in Hrbekistan we look on the bright side:

We’ll get you tomorrow Mighty Morphin Power Gayngers.

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First Inning


The Twins jump out to a 2-run lead, thanks to a bloop double by “Muscles Mike” Cuddyer.

Second Inning

After flaming out in the majors due to a shoulder injury, Colby Lewis spent two years in Japan, either starring in Japanese Hentai tentacle-rape porn or dominating Nippon Professional Baseball with the Hiroshima Carp. Coming back stateside, he received attention from most major league teams, but the Rangers and Twins were among the most interested. Sadly, Colby signed with the Rangers and has been a revelation, striking out nearly one batter an inning. Let’s take this opportunity to imagine the Twins rotation with Colby Lewis added into the mix. -sigh- Still 2-0 Twins.

Third Inning

A minor brain fart by the O-Dog allows a run to score. Runners on first and third with one out, Michael Young grounds to Orlando who, rather than whip the ball to Alexi at second base, goes for the tag. Elvis Andrus astutely retreats toward first. The Twins still get the double play, but on a tag-out, rather than a force-out at second, thus allowing Julio Borbon to score. 2-1 Twins.

Fourth Inning

See, this is what happens when a bad fielder makes a couple of flukey good catches in a week. He starts thinking he’s big stuff and calling off the center fielder and not even getting close to making the catch. -sigh- 3 to 2, Rangers.

Fifth Inning

The Rangers, in a blatant act of terrorism, show a complete lack of support for the troops by strategically placing their flag-poles in positions designed to capture and neutralize one of our fine servicemen. IF YOU AIN’T WITH US YOU’RE AGAINST US, RANGERS.

The Twins still trail 2 to 3.

Sixth Inning

The Twins put two on with no outs, and still manage to get through the inning without scoring. Seriously though, double plays suck.

Seventh Inning

An atrocious call at the plate holds the Twins to one run, which is promptly negated by a Michael Young single. 4-3 Rangers. It does not appear to be the Twins’ night.

Eighth Inning

Steak Finger Country Basket? What the hell is a steak finger? Food? And a country basket? WTF?

Ninth Inning

Delmon and Danny V. both narrowly miss game-tying homers. Thome is hit by a pitch, and Drew Butera is, of course, pinch hit for. Let me make one thing clear. If Matt Tolbert ever pinch hits for you, you are not a major league caliber hitter. Predictably, Matt Tolbert is frozen by a Neftali Feliz slider and this game comes to a pretty depressing close. I wonder how the Rangers will celebrate their victory…

/sour grapes

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After last night’s disaster, I took the liberty of hiring someone to help us ailing twins fans.

HOWEVER… THERE IS ONE THING I DO NOT WANT TO FORGET.

9th Inning-

The Almighty Joe Mauer breaks up the combined no-hitter with a beautiful single to center field. This was the one part of the game that I wanted to write about. So when i went to get a still image from the video of joe mauer’s hit, I discovered something eerie and mystical.

Here’s the still image:

But is there more to this than meets the eye?   I think so…

Is this a ghost orb? Or is it just a dust particle? I don’t know what your beliefs on the paranormal are.  As for me I’m a believer that this is a ghost of some baseball hero sent to protect the twins from utter embarrassment. Perhaps Kirby Puckett? Or maybe Ty Cobb or Babe Ruth as others may suggest?

I think I’m on to something.

Oh Crap. I know too much?  AHHH SHII……….

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Disclaimer: No baby angels were harmed in the making of this blog post.

First Inning:

Holy Hot Crossed buns!

What is that sweet smell? The Baker is open for business. Strikes out Bobreu and Torii.

Second Inning

Big Jim Thome is great at a lot of things. I’m glad we have him. But his baserunning skills closely resemble that of Mo Vaughn.

Third Inning

Baker’s rolling…. but guess what?!?!!?!

Quoting Joe Morgan and all his nuggets of wisdom:

@STUFFMORGANSAYS- “You’re more likely to hang a breaking ball then you are to hang a fastball, you see.”

“Ballparks can fool you”

“4.50 earned run average on the road… and we happen to be on the road tonight, I believe.”

“Without the DH, you obviously only have 8 and a pitcher.”

Fourth Inning

Jered Weaver’s looking pretty sharp so far.

True/False- Jered’s best career move ever was cutting his crappy mullet.

True.

Fifth Inning

How fortunate were we to have a free showing of last summer’s multi Oscar award winning blockbuster hit courtesy of Danny Valencia and Michael Cuddyer:

*Spoiler alert- Mankind fights destroying angels, kills angels, order is restored to the universe. WOOT WOOT!

Twins slaughter the would-be destroying Angels giving the Twins a 4-0 lead.

Sixth Inning

Since we’re on the subject of sucky forms of media involving angels-

Seventh Inning

Well done Scott! Chip put it best:

My slightly more brutal rendition:

Eighth Inning:

Glory boy Joe Mauer walks for the third time in the game. GET THAT BOY SOME NEW SHOES!!

Ninth Inning

WOOHOO! Twins win making it a 5-game lead over the White Sux in the central. This calls for some gangsta rap celebration that only a true gangsta is capable of. TAKE IT AWAY LIL ‘MO.

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