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Archive for September, 2010

SOrry for the delay, for some reason the wordpress post making thing was all psycho.

I don’t want to write about how awfully we played last night(tuesday night), how Blackburn got pwned by some hawaiian dude and the rest of the royals, how we now have a losing streak of  5 games, and how over that streak the white sox have picked up 4 games on us! Its just not exciting to watch games like that. So instead of writing about a sucky game im going to write about something more exciting!

I heard a rumor that Jose Mijares was  invited to be a guest star on PBS’ Sesame Street! The show has undergone some filming and the release date is sometime next month.

But I couldn’t wait so I hired our hrbekistani computer specialist to hack into PBS’ hard drives and I was able to obtain a basic outline of the show, and a few scenes from the filming.

Here’s Hrbekistan’s inside look

SHOW OUTLINE:

Fade in-  Jose Mijares is in a convenience store asking the cashier(Toby Maguire) to get directions. ” I am lost” he says then explains to the cashier his dilemma (that he hasn’t been able to visit his mother since the all star break. But since his last visit his mother moved downtown to a street called sesame street) He says, ” can you tell me how to get to sesame street?”

Fade into opening theme song “Can you tell me how to get to sesame street?”

Fade back to convenience store

Cashier: Yessir I can tell you how to get there. Go 3 blocks and turn left at the McDonalds, then go 4 more blocks and in between the liquor store and and the skyline apartment complex there is a dark alley, go down that alley and you will be in sesame street.

Jose Mijares: Gracias

Then he walks out the store, but you notice a sly grin on the cashier’s face and then he gets out his cell phone and calls his buddy informing him that a rich baseball player is heading into their trap.

*Commercial Break*

Jose Mijares looks up at the apartment tower sign and then looks right into the alley.

A muppet rats scampers across the pavement.

Jose: Aye aye aye,  the man said this is the way to sesame street so i guess i better go.

he walks into the alley way where he gets jumped by some thugs. He manages to knock out one of them but then is wrestled to the ground by the other two and they begin tickling him

He screams “help me!!!!”

In flies:

grover introduces himself and kicks the thug’s trash. He then talks to jose and finds out that he is trying to get to sesame street.

grover: I know where sesame street is, I’ll take you there! hold on to my feet!

They land on a door step of a house on sesame street but grover says that he can’t stay to show him around because there are more people that need saving.

Grover: this is ernie and bert’s house, they can help you find out where your mom lives. they are pretty fruity, but they are nice guys so just knock on their door and they should help you.

Jose: Gracias Señor

Grover flies off, then jose walks up the steps and knocks on the big red door. no answer. he knocks again. no answer. Then he checks to see if the door is open and it is. He walks inside and to the back of the house where he sees a bedroom door cracked. he opens the door and sees something quite disgusting.  — I’ll only show you the top half of the image, i’ll let your imagination fill in the rest.

jose runs out the door and further down the street passing bigbird and his pal snuffleupagus.

*Commercial Break*

Fade in- Jose is walking up sesame street when his stomach growls.

Jose: Tengo Hambre!

he looks around for a restaurant but then he sees a plate of cookies! he eats one and they are “muy delicioso” and he eats the cookies in the same manner as cookie monster eats cookies. After he eats all the cookies and walks away, cookie monster comes out of his house with a gallon of milk and was not very happy about not having cookies to eat with his milk.

Jose Mijares proceeds to run into elmo who gets him to teach spanish to a few children. Elmo in return for the favor introduces him to the Count who knows exactly how many steps and in what direction to go to get to any where on the street.

Jose to Count: Where does Mama Mijares live?

Count: You vant to know vere your mother lives do you?

Jose: thats what i just asked

Jose: Gracias Señor

Count: you can COUNT on mee AHHhuhuhHAhuHhhuah (then vanishes in a puff of smoke)

He walks out into the street repeating the numbers in his head.

He walks the one hundred and five steps and then begins to cross at the crosswalk. When he steps down off of the curb he trips and smashes his head into the pavement. Unfortunately he suffers a concussion, much milder than Justin Morneau’s of course (btw you are in the prayers of all members of the glorious nation). Thank goodness nothing worse happened to jose mijares when he fell, otherwise he would be the 3rd Twin with the initials J.M. to be currently injured. But unfortunately for Jose Mijares the directions that count gave him were all jumbled up and his stomach was starting to churn.

He gets up and does the frankenstein walk all around the street trying to remember the count’s directions. But he cannot hold it any longer and finds the nearest thing to drop a deuce in. Luckily for him there was one of his normal defecation spots nearby on the sidewalk

As he pushes out the last turd he hears a familiar voice!

“Es que Jose?”

Jose looks up and sees his mother descending from the stoop of an apartment.

Jose: mamá?!

Mamá Mijares: When I opened my window to my apartment the wind carried in a fragrance that I knew I had smelled many times before. And then I realized it was the sweet smell of my son’s mierda!

Jose pulls up his pants and embraces his mother. Then they enter her apartment together.

FADE OUT

*Commercial Break*

Jose is in his mom’s house eating some chili cheese fries when he asks if he can invite a friend over. She says yes. Jose and his friend sit out on the sidewalk.

*closing credits*

P.S. by the time i posted this, twins win ending the 5 game losing streak.

WOOOHOOOO

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First Inning

Sean Forman is not really a heartless bastard. He just plays one on TV.

Denard Span leads off with a single up the middle. I’ve been thinking a lot about Denard in the last couple of weeks. Before the season started, I remember having a discussion with Dickbaby about which player is more valuable, Span or Justin Morneau. Of course, this seems like a stupid discussion now, but going into the season, it was a legitimate debate. Morneau hadn’t yet broken out the way he did this season, pre-concussion, and Span was coming off an excellent first season and a half. Calculate in positional scarcity and defensive ability, and it was pretty much a dead heat. Of course, he’s taken a big step back offensively this season. Both his strikeout and walk rates are down this year, and his BABIP is thirty points below his career average. One might say that he’s been unlucky, but my eyes tell me he’s making weaker contact than he has in the past. His line drive rate is down and his HR/FB has dropped to Puntonian levels. It would seem he’s frequently making weak ground outs and when he has elevated the ball, it’s been pretty innocuous. Whether or not he’ll be worth the contract he signed in the offseason might end up hinging on his defensive value. Total Zone (used by Sean Forman’s site, BaseballReference.com)loves Span in the corners, but is not very keen on his centerfield defense. UZR (the defensive stat used by David Appelman’s site, FanGraphs) is less critical of his work in center, but also views his corner defense less positively. If you take Total Zone’s numbers, Span’s been replacement level on the season (his bWAR is right at 0.0), but using UZR, he’s actually been worth almost as much as he was last year (3.1 fWAR). The true number is probably somewhere in the middle, and although he has the upside to be more, for now, Span looks to be somewhere between a replacement level centerfielder and an average starter.

Delmon, the Koob, and Cuddyer all double, bringing three runs around to score. Slowey retires the side in order. 3 to nothing, Twins.

Second Inning

Kila Kauihuihuieieauiaueioai, Alex Gordon, and Lucas May all double and Jarrod Dyson (who?) hits his first career homerun, followed by singles from Mike Aviles and Billy Butler, chasing Kevin Slowey from the game. Despite a smooth first inning, Slowey’s line is not pretty: 5 outs, 6 hits, 6 runs. Royals lead 6 to 3.

Third Inning

I tried to come up with a way to relate this GIF to something in the third inning, but screw it. Here’s a turtle biting a dog’s balls.

Fourth Inning

After a walk and three singles, Kyle Davies is replaced by former sucky Twin, Philip Humber, who is promptly reminded of his suckitude by The Big Possum, Mr. Jason Kubel, my favorite Belle Fourchian. In related news, the possum’s Wikipedia page has been awarded the Redundancy Award for Achievements in Redundancy. In related news, the possum’s Wikipedia page has been awarded the Redundancy Award for Achievements in Redundancy. In related news, the possum’s Wikipedia page has been awarded the Redundancy Award for Achievements in Redundancy.

Click the Image If'n You Cain't Read It

Those pesky Royals respond with three runs of their own, which, while they still technically count, were achieved against a combination of Jeff Manship and Randy Flores. They now lead, 10-8.

Fifth Inning

Now’s where this crazy game starts to slooowwww dowwwwnnn. Thankfully, Alex Burnett, who appears to have narrowly avoided being bitten by the Suckbug, accumulates five outs without surrendering a hit. Unthankfully, Philip Humber seems to have forgotten that he is Philip Humber. WTF, PHIL?

Sixth Inning

As we’ve pointed out before, the Twins always have on their roster a fat, left-handed, Latino reliever, a Fatino LOOGY, if you will. What we may have neglected to point out is how that Fatino LOOGY will always be FREAKING AWESOME. Dennys Sampler Reyes, in his three seasons with the Twins, threw 126.1 innings with a 2.14 ERA. Jose Mijares, in 3 partial seasons, has thrown 102.2 innings with a 2.37 ERA. And frankly, with numbers like that, you can shit in the wastebasket as often as you please. ¡Viva los fatinos!

Seventh Inning


Why? Because I love you. And because this inning was ephing boring.

Eighth Inning


This is the inning in which we point out that Indestructible Zombie Reliever Jesse Crain has now gone 44 straight appearances without giving up more than a single run in any appearance. Of those 44 appearances, 40 have been scoreless. That’s really, really good.

Ninth Inning

I told those damn kids to stay off my lawn.

Ok, so the Twins lose, but they’ve already clinched. No big deal, right? Well, apparently, Ron Gardenhire doesn’t think so, as he goes all crotchety on Kelly Thesier in the post-game press conference. As it turns out, Gardy does not approve of the pitching in tonight’s game. He might have a point. After all, the Royals, who let me remind you, are not good at baseball, scored 10 runs. That’s a whole mess of runs. BUT, allow me to point out that all those runs were scored off the mighty triumvirate of Kevin Slowey, Jeff Manship, and Randy Flores–not exactly a trio of Cy Young candidates. Those three fellas will pitch a combined total of 0 high-leverage innings in the playoffs. Frankly, I would suggest, that, if anything, the pitching performances tonight suggest that the Twins might be in pretty good shape. Burnett, Mijares, Warrior Matt, and Crain, any one of whom will probably pitch more high-leverage playoff innings than those other three all together, combined to pitch 4 1/3 innings of shut-out baseball, with four strikeouts, 1 walk, and only 2 hits. Cool down, Gardy. I know you got your ear bit off by a Saigon whore ravaged by an Alexi Casilla throw, but life goes on, and if you can get your lineup healthy, things are still looking pretty good.

Did somebody say something about looking good?

Yes, yes we did, Joseph. You bet your sculpted ass we did.

If you love Chip Kincaid as much as he does, which is unlikely, follow him on Twitter.

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Following the Twins clinching of the central, us three Hrbeki’s have been on a crazy celebratory wild goat hunting retreat. We have returned however and shall resume nine innings goodness with the beginning of the Royals series today.

A recap of what’s been going on in TGNH while we were slaying goats:

-The Twins enjoy their pre-playoffs vacation, sweeping the Indians then getting swept by the Tigers. Come on who cares really?

-Danny Valencia gets out his mighty tater mashing stick on Saturday making yet a stronger case for ROY consideration. Here’s a good article about it preceding his 2 HR game Saturday:

http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/danny-valencias-rookie-of-the-year-case/

-Jim Thome graces the cover of Sports Illustrated, and is featured in a great article! In  related news, an official Hrbeki mandate requires all Hrbeki citizens to not only read this article but memorize it in completion and recite it every morning while physically covered in country gravy. If you are not yet in compliance read the article here or you may risk having the commander of the Hrbeki secret police, Matt Lecroy busting your door down. *Warning: Regardless of  your sexuality after reading this article you will certainly wish Jim was your “prairie homer companion”.

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The Baseball Project has teamed up with Craig Finn of The Hold Steady to write a wonderful song about our beloved Twins. Finn, a massive Twins fan, wrote and sings the lyrics, which are absolutely saturated in Minnesota geography and baseball mythology. The song is called “Don’t Call Them Twinkies,” and it is now the official national anthem of the Glorious Nation of Hrbekistan.

Click here to listen to the anthem, but DOFF THY CAP FIRST! And if any of you happen across G.B. Leighton, kick him in the nuts and tell him he sucks.

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I am seriously so gay for these two beautiful men.

CLINCH!

OH MAN I LOVE THE TWINS OH FREAK YES I LOVE THEM SO MUCH BIG JIM TOE MEAT IS THE SEXIEST LUMBERJACK OF ALL TIME AND JOE MAUERS SKIN IS AS SMOOTH AS MOTHERF**KING LANDOLAKES OH SWEET SWEET MERCY WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO OH YEAH POUR IT ON BABY PLAYOFFS FREAK YES CALL ME KEANU BECAUSE I AM FEELIN’ MINNESOTA AND I MEAN FEELIN IT  OH BOY SHIT YES!

I wrote that last night. Now, on the morning after, I feel like that paragraph could use some editing, but SCREW IT, because the Twins clinched and irrational exuberance is to be expected.

And TC Bear? You think TC Bear ain’t gonna drank? O HE GON DRANK! Looks like he hit the sizzurp a little hard last night, but bears will be bears.

TC Bear TC_00

My head hurts……

Now we get to enjoy the rare delicacy of the post-celebratory-hangover lineup:

  1. Span
  2. Casilla
  3. Kubel
  4. Valencia
  5. Morales
  6. Tolbert
  7. Revere
  8. Repko
  9. Butera

Man, that lineup would have given me a heart attack a month ago, but today, I love it so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

Become better acquainted with Chip Kincaid’s frighteningly bizarre subconscious by following him on Twitter

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Mágico número dos

We have been so enthralled with the magic numbers’ rapid lowering that we have neglected our nine innings posts. Not to worry… we are only gearing up for the great playoff celebration that may be tomorrow.

The Twins thanks to an excellent performance  from our hitters, and a oh so sweet and lucky start from the king of sweet and lucky starts himself, Brian Duensing beat the Indians 9-3. At the same time in the inferior pseudo-nation of Whitesuxistan the White Sux were defeated once again 3-0. Former Hrbeki Boof Bonser picking up the win! As a result of the White Sox further unraveling and the Twins victory, the magic number for the Twins playoff berth is 2!!! Such a course of events, according to coolstandings.com has left us with such a great advantage that they have rounded up from a 99.999999% chance of making the playoffs to an even 100%.

Considering this paradoxical 100% chance of a Twins playoff berth, lets think of things more likely than the Twins not making the playoffs at this point:

The sun exploding.

Nick Punto hitting 38 hr next season.

Robots fighting the imminent human-robot war and not winning.

An M. Night Shyamalan career revival.

Barack Obama removing his skin to validate theories that he is indeed actually a reptoid.

Two truly is a magical number.

Ryan Adams teaches us the value of two:

Finally, to help us celebrate the twoiness of two,  the Spice girls have with their prophetic gifts foretold the course of tomorrows events:

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Magic Number 4

We, as the official media outlet of Hrbekistan, would like to apologize for our lack of posts over the last week. We brothers were just recently reunited and were too busy holding eachothers’ hands to type. But now we decided enough is enough.

Even though the twins lost 2 our of 3 to oakland, the white sox have continued to be hot, losing 6 straight lowering our magic number to 4!

To celebrate lets watch a music video from my fellow Dairy Queen, Gwen Stefani.

now the magic number is 4 in the morning, will it be 2 or 3 by tonight? I think so.

And since us guys got a little excitement from Gwen’s video, I figured I’d give you lady hrbekistanis something to get in a fuss over.

Beauty is more than skin deep in Pat Neshek.

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