Archive for October, 2010

Alissa Pavano’s Voice

I mentioned in a blog post earlier this year that Alissa Pavano (Carl Pavano’s wife) had a crazy sexy voice. I was sorting through my mp3s and found an unnamed track and it was this, I don’t know why I didn’t post it before. Check it out:

Alissa Pavano and her voice

She even drops a classic “That’s what she said” line.


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For Hrbekis there are basically only two seasons: baseball and get ready for baseball to start again. The latter, also known as winter- sucks. With the disappointment we’ve experienced recently in the ALDS, aka Yankee Rapage part CXVIIDVISIXXPPI (OMG FREAKY THATS EXACTLY THE ROMAN NUMERAL THE LAND BEFORE TIME SERIES IS ON NOW) many Hrbekis are finding themselves unprepared to face the upcoming winter.

Thankfully, the Glorious Nation of Hrbekistan has issued an official declaration concerning this outbreak of seasonal affective disorder/national suicide watch.

To cope with the seasonal change the leaders of the Glorious Nation of Hrbekistan advise the following:

-Do NOT watch, think about, or remember any details surrounding Yankee Rapage part CXVIIDVISIXXPPI.

-Rather look forward to next year and begin building an unhealthy amount of enthusiasm.

-To substitute addiction to Twins Games, the medical experts at TGNH advise the picking up of an intermediary addiction such as eating disorders, crack cocaine or meth-amphetamines.

-Continue to read the Glorious Nation of Hrbekistan- there will continue to be posts written regularly, there will not for obvious reasons be any nine innings posts, but we are hoping to start some regular features as well as updates on offseason moves, etc.

-Although we may have faced a setback, remember the Glorious Nation of Hrbekistan will not and CANNOT fail.


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Dear Citizens of Hrbekistan,

I was looking forward to celebrating today, since it’s the 10th day of the 10th month of the 10th year of this millennium. Unfortunately due to certain events over the past four days I will not be doing much celebrating. But will be in depression for months.

And I’m sorry fellow Hrbekistanis but I have more depressing news. I, Dickbaby, will be taking a two-year hiatus from my post here as a contributing reporter for the motherland. I was called by the President of Hrbekistan to be a foreign ambassador to france, where I will raising morale and hammering out diplomatic action between The Glorious Nation and various other European nations. 

Chip, and Andrew will be taking over my duties of reporting the happenings of Hrbekistan. I know they will do a splendid job and you will barely miss my presence. However as sure as these tears swell in my eyes, there is one thing keeping me afloat in this typhoon of emotions; the fact that I know The Glorious Nation of Hrbekistan will one day triumph all.

Thank you for your support, and…


Your brother in arms,


p.s. As my departing gift to you all,

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Follow Chip Kincaid’s alter-ego on Twitter, and he’ll remind you incessantly about how Andy Pettitte is a roided monster during tonight’s game.

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Well here we are. 162 regular season games–and 94 glorious wins–are in the books and the Twins once again proudly stand as champions of the American League Central Division. However, those stalwart heroes of the Twin Cities must resist the temptation to rest on their considerable laurels and lose focus on what is to come: the American League Division Series, in which they are once again pitted against the loathsome Yankees of New York!

For years, playoff series have been inherently unpredictable. 5 games is such a small sample, that even the most sophisticated models rarely have predicted more than a 55% chance of either team getting to three wins first. Luckily, Hrbeki research scientist-slaves, toiling unceasingly in our underground dungeon-laboratories, have developed a predictive system that puts all others to shame. We call it the PWNOMETER. This revolutionary breakthrough in baseball analysis predicts playoff outcomes with LITERALLY 110% ACCURACY, by isolating 5 key predictive player-traits from all the statistical noise and traditional scouting mumbo-jumbo. Simply by comparing the players from each team according to these 5 traits, we can determine which team will emerge victorious, in exactly what number of games.


  1. Offensive/Pitching Prowess (wOBA/xFIP)
  2. Defensive Ability (Tangotiger’s Fan Scouting Reports, when applicable)
  3. Physical Beauty (Guest Judges Looking at Google Images)
  4. Appellations and Monikers (Originality and Hilarity)
  5. WILD CARD (Something Awesome on a Player’s Wikipedia Page)

Whichever player “wins” a category against his opponent nets 1 point for his team’s total. As an example, let’s analyze the Twins and Yankees and find out once and for all whose cuisine will reign supreme…

Catcher: Joe Mauer v. Jorge Posada

  1. Offensive Prowess – Joe Mauer’s .373 wOBA is the highest among qualifying MLB catchers. +1 Twins
  2. Defensive Ability – Mauer’s average rating of 75 is bested only by Yadier, the Sveltest of the Molinae. +1 Twins
  3. Physical Beauty – My sister: “Joe Mauer, duh.” +1 Twins
  4. Appellations and Monikers – Jorge is one of the most naturally humorous given names of all time, but all too often he is referred to as “georgie.” This one goes to Baby Joesus, the Chairman. +1 Twins
  5. WILD CARD – “Mauer has created his own rap music in his spare time.” +1 Twins

First Base – Michael Cuddyer v. Mark Teixeira

  1. Offensive Prowess – Teixeira’s .367 bests Cuddyer’s mediocre .329. +1 Yankees
  2. Defensive Ability – Big Tex is the best, while Cuddy rates around the middle of the pack. +1 Yankees
  3. Physical Beauty – Scotty, an old friend and expert on manly beauty: “Cuddyer, but Teixeira has a prettier wife.” +1 Twins
  4. Appellations and Monikers – I can’t in good conscience award a point to either “Tex” or “Cuddy.” NO CREATIVITY. No Points
  5. WILD CARD – Cuddyer: “He even once did a castration sleight of hand to fool teammates.” I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. +1 Twins

Second Base – Orlando Hudson v. Robinson Cano

  1. Offensive Prowess – Cano (.389) is the best hitting second baseman in baseball this year. +1 Yankees
  2. Defensive Ability – Pshhh, Cano. Consider this a point for homerism. For what it’s worth, UZR loves Hudson this year. +1 Yankees
  3. Physical Beauty – Dickbaby’s friend, Hamuel – “Hudson’s face is a little wide. I’ll go Cano.” +1 Yankees
  4. Appellations and Monikers- Robbie has “canoe” which sucks. Hudson has “o-dog” which sucks. Thankfully, Orlando was branded “Slow-Dog” during his time with the Dodgers, which is delightful. +1 Twins
  5. WILD CARD – Meh. Nothing exciting here. No Points Awarded

Third Base – Danny Valencia v. Alex Rodriguez

  1. Offensive Prowess – A-Rod’s .363 wOBA beats Valencia by a measly 12 points. +1 Yankees
  2. Defensive Ability – Alex bests Valencia by an even measlier 2 percentage points. +1 Yankees
  3. Physical Beauty – A special anonymous source: “Gotta go with Danny Valencia. He’s got that nice Jewish smile. +1 Twins
  4. Appellations and Monikers – “A-Rod” should be worth negative points for the hideous, unending afterbirth of horrible, similarly structured nicknames it has caused. Valencia is a place, an orange, and a Decemberists song. +1 Twins
  5. WILD CARD – A-Rod has two daughters, and both have the same middle name: Alexander. +1 Yankees

Shortstop – J.J. Hardy against Derek Jeter

  1. Offensive Prowess – Sigh. Despite the worst performance of his career, Jeets gets the point. +1 Yankees
  2. Defensive Ability – No amount of homerism can save Erek Jeter in this category. +1 Twins
  3. Physical Beauty – A coyly anonymous source: “Hardy. He has that grisly [awesome] look I’m going for. Jeter just looks like a cleanshaven douche.” +1 Twins
  4. Appellations and Monikers – “Mr. November” is derivative. “The Captain” is descriptive but depressingly serious. I’m going to make up a nickname for J.J. Hardy just to keep Jeter for winning this. He is now the “Japanese Jedi.” +1 Twins
  5. WILD CARD – “In 2008 he was linked to Friday Night Lights actress Minka Kelly.” Jeter FTW. +1 Yankees

Left Field – Delmon Young v. Brett Gardner

  1. Offensive Prowess – Delmon’s been tons better this year, but the speedy Gardner has him by a nose (only 6 points). +1 Yankees
  2. Defensive Ability – Gardner’s average rating of 72 is more than twice Delmon’s 35. I find that sadly accurate. +1 Yankees
  3. Physical Beauty – My dear friend Amber: “That’s not an easy task. Delmon’s got the smile, but Brett’s got the jawline. Uhm…Uhm…Uhm… Brett.” +1 Yankees
  4. Appellations and Monikers – It seems that Brett Gardner, while at the College of Charleston was known as “Squirrel.” +1 Yankees
  5. WILD CARD – “In 2001, Brett Gardner attended the walk-on tryouts at the College of Charleston. After the tryouts, Coach John Pawlowski told the guys that he would contact them if they made the team. Without hearing a word from the coach, Gardner came to the field the next day for the first official practice for CofC, wearing his high school uniform. When Coach Pawlowski asked Brett why he was there, Brett told coach he knew he was capable of playing at the D1 level.” That’s some serious Rudy shit. +1 Yankees

Center Field – Denard Span v. Curtis Granderson

  1. Offensive Prowess – Granderson, who has not been very good, still wins this by a country mile. +1 Yankees
  2. Defensive Ability – Grandy gets this one too. PWNOMETER is liking the Yanks a bit too much, methinks. +1 Yankees
  3. Physical Beauty – The always sexy Sharlamel: “Curtis…better symmetry…obvious charisma.” +1 Yankees
  4. Caliber of Nickname – I’m partial to “Nard Dog,” but really, Mr. Span wins this based solely on his real name: Keiunta Denard Span. +1 Twins
  5. WILD CARD – Denard: “On March 31, he accidentally hit his mother, who was sitting in the stands, with a foul ball.” +1 Twins

Right Field – Jason Kubel v. Nick Swisher

  1. Offensive Prowess – Swisher’s .377 blows Koob away. +1 Yankees
  2. Defensive Ability – Nick Swisher is bad, but Jason Kubel is BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. +1 Yankees
  3. Physical Beauty- Laura, an expert in beauty: “Ugh, neither. But I like dark hair, so I guess, Nick.” +1 Yankees
  4. Appellations and Monikers – NOTHING CAN EVER COMPARE TO “THE BIG POSSUM.” +1 Twins
  5. WILD CARD – Meh. I guess Nick Swisher loves his grandma. +1 Yankees

Designated Hitter – Jim Thome v. Marcus Thames

  1. Offensive Prowess – Thome’s massive .437 is the third highest in baseball, after Josh Hamilton and Justin Morneau. +1 Twins
  2. Physical Beauty – Derek King, White Sox fan and loyal enemy of Hrbekistan: “Thome. He has bigger muscles, and I need a protector.” +1 Twins
  3. Appellations and Monikers – Thames is a river, but BIG JIM TOEMEAT is a TATERMASHER. +1 Twins
  4. WILD CARD – Thames’s full name is Marcus Markley Thames, a name of which a Wahlberg could approve. +1 Yankees

Starting Pitcher #1 – Francisco Liriano v. C.C. Sabathia

  1. Pitching Prowess – Liriano’s 3.06 xFIP suggests that, on an inning by inning basis, Liriano was the best pitcher in baseball. +1 Twins
  2. Physical Beauty – The Man, the Myth, the Legend, David Kearl: I’m going with Francisco, because I think I’m might style my facial hair after how he has done his.” +1 Twins
  3. Appellations and Monikers – I love the F-Bomb, but Captain Cheeseburger is undefeatable. +1 Yankees
  4. WILD CARD – “Sabathia is one of the largest and most durable pitchers in MLB.” LOLZ. +1 Yankees

Starting Pitcher #2 – Carl Pavano v. Andy Pettitte

  1. Pitching Prowess – Pavano’s xFIP of 4.01 narrowly edges out Pettitte’s 4.05. +1 Twins
  2. Physical Beauty – Reds fan, Ken Beemer: “Pettitte, hands down. He has pretty skin and soft eyes and a sweet looking face.” +1 Yankees
  3. Appellations and Monikers – “American Idle,” while rude and hateful, was rather clever. +1 Twins
  4. WILD CARD – Pavano: “In June 2010 he emerged victorious against the Royals, sporting a new mustache.” My only complaint is that the Pavstache should have its own hyperlinked page. +1 Twins

Starting Pitcher #3 – Brian Duensing v. Phil Hughes

  1. Pitching Prowess – This surprised me, but Duensing’s ERA is not all smoke and mirrors. His xFIP beats Hughes’s by 30 points. + Twins
  2. Physical Beauty – My sister, Kate: “Definitely Brian Duensing. He’s very attractive. Nice smile… strong features. He reminds me of my husband. Make sure and say that I said that.” +1 Twins
  3. Appellations and Monikers – “Deuce” isn’t the best nickname ever, but it sure as hell beats “Hughesy.” +1 Twins
  4. WILD CARD – These are the two most boring pages on Wikipedia. No Points Awarded

Closer – Matt Capps v. Mariano Rivera

  1. Pitching Prowess – Rivera blows Capps out of the water any way you look at it. +1 Yankees
  2. Physical Beauty – Big Chief, the official Dad of Hrbekistan: “Mariano is pretty. He has a pretty smile. In this picture, Capps looks kind of bloated and he’s frowning. He’s got a bit of a beard that looks shaggy, but maybe that’s just perseverance.” +1 Yankees
  3. Appellations and Monikers – “The Mad Capper” is gutwrenchingly awful. “The Sandman” is pretty excellent. +1 Yankees
  4. WILD CARD – Mo: “They also played baseball in the streets by substituting milk cartons for gloves and tree branches for bats, and by fashioning balls by taping wads of shredded fishing nets and beat-up baseballs with electrical tape.” Aww shucks. Bob Costas just splooged. +1 Yankees

By tallying up the points acquired by each team, the total comes out to 30 points for the Yankees and 26 points for the Twins. The PWNOMETER prediction system requires a negative five point adjustment for the team with the higher payroll–a feature that is most certainly an authentic, research-based concept, and definitely not something that I invented to ensure that the Twins win.

By extrapolating the final points totals, we arrive at the certain conclusion that THE TWINS WILL BEAT THE YANKEES IN FIVE GAMES. Go ahead and bet your entire net worth on it, because the PWNOMETER is as certain as the chiseled jaw of Joseph Mauer.


Follow Chip Kincaid’s alter ego on Twitter and receive further updates from the PWNOMETER FOOLPROOF PREDICTION SYSTEM.

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