Archive for January, 2011

Return of the ‘Stache

As far as I can tell, the only person that shouldn’t be excited about Pavano’s re-signing is Nishioka, given their checkered history.

Human rights organizations have reached out to the Twins, asking the team to take action to ensure that Tsuyoshi is never again induced by compulsive means to allow Pavano to ride him, hit his head hard enough to cause muscle spasms in his tongue, and double-jump him into chasms.

“It was horrific,” says Nishioka of his experiences with Pavano, “Carl and his brother thought it was all in fun, but I still carry scars from that time of my life. When I took them to court, they said they had no idea I was unhappy in our business arrangement. That’s bullshit. Every time one of them was distracted by an enemy, I would frantically try to run away, even plunging myself off of cliffs just to get away from them.”

It remains to be seen if Nishioka and Pavano can overcome their past and work together for the success of the team.

“Yoshi has nothing to worry about,” Pavano responded, “I’ve learned my lesson. The only riding that’s going to go on is when I let the ladies ride on my mustache.”


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I am in the process of ordering a year’s supply of LSD for the Twin pitchers.

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Two days ago, we advised you to offer your Hail Kirby’s that we could re-sign Jim Thome and Carl Pavano. One day later what happens? Our very own tater-masher has signed a one year- $3 Million Dollar contract. (to be further expanded upon by Chip) Coincidence? I think not.

Because of it’s evident power, I hereby dub the Hail Kirby the official prayer of Hrbekistan. This prayer was written by Hrbekistan’s own spiritual guru- our National Minister- Neil.


Hail Kirby, full of cheese.
The Hall contains thee.
A man art thou among boys,
And fruitless are the cries of thy haters,
Awesome Kirby, winner of Rings,
Fortify our Nation,
Mighty with or without Jesse Crain.


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Most benevolent (and late) New Years wishes to the loyal citizenry of Hrbekistan. We’re back after a nice little vacation. Baseball season is practically here (pitchers + Joe Mauer report in about 30 days). Since SOOOOO much has happened since we have gone we thought we would give a representation of the Twins offseason in a nutshell.

We hereby welcome the most honorable Tsuyoshi Nishioka- the first Japanese Twin since the great Micheal Nakamura.  http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/n/nakammi01.shtml

Here is a toast of sake that your major league career will bring  more prosperity and production then your predecessor.

In honor of your addition I have  opened the proverbial fortune cookie and have found this fortune:

There you have it ladies and gentlemen it seems  that fate has smiled upon our very own samurai.

In coming days we in Hrbekistan hope to emerge from our period of hibernation fatter and sassier than ever.

PS As a brief note hopefully to be enlarged upon later- we would like to congratulate Bert on being inducted in to the Hall of Fame!

PPS Let us all hope and pray and chant hail Kirby’s that Big Jim Toe-Meat will re-sign as well as Carl “Luigi” Pavano.

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