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Archive for the ‘Official Proclamations’ Category

Do you have problems feeling happy for days and months at a time? Do you not find joy in many of the activities you used to love- such as watching Twins games? Do you struggle with thoughts of suicide or murder on a regular basis?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you might be suffering from holycrapthisseasonsuckssobadiwishwewerentinlastplaceiwanttokill                     -myselfandothersisitis more commonly known as last place depression.

Coping with last place depression can be difficult at times- you may be left to ponder questions such as- Does God hate me? Did my parents raise me out of spite hoping that I would be miserable? Should I set the local chinese restaurant on fire? Are my children actually aliens implanted by Satan to rape and torture me and steal my money and food? While such questioning can prove to be useful in rooting out these evil traitors in our lives, they oftentimes lead to punishable offenses being committed.

Thankfully there is a way out.

The professionals at Hrbekistan Health & Pharmaceuticals Inc. through years of testing have developed a cure. Early testing conducted in one particular study showed that eating excessive amounts of chicken wings could at least during consumption help to numb the pains of last place depression (LeCroy, 2002).

HHP in later years discovered a breakthrough in treatment of this disease: it was proven that in fact that when the White Sox lose at the hands of the Twins the symptoms of Last Place Depression not only disappear altogether for those who watch, but the worldwide infant mortality rate decreases by 74%, rape and violent crimes decrease by 48%, enmity between Isrealis and Palestinians actually cease for a time, and the overall sinfulness of the world decreases by 67%.

As such we advise all Hrbeki citizens to at least temporarily divert their attention from murdering their children and burning down Chinese restaurants to sabotaging the White Sux and watching the Twins win the series. Such a plan offers promise in eradicating this dreadful disease.

We here at HHP are committed to the welfare of every hrbeki citizen- we may still feel the effects of last place depression throughout this season, but at least for one series let us make the world free of  this awful epidemic.

Thank you.

Hrbekistan Health and Pharmaceuticals Inc.

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“People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.” -Bob Dylan

SALUTATIONS TO OUR DEAR LOYAL HRBEKI FRIENDS-

As you can tell we have been less than active this season, for this we apologize sincerely (numerous Hail Kirbys are forthcoming). Perhaps we are to blame for the less than stellar start our Twins have been up to this season. We are ashamed at our role in the Twins recent struggles. In an effort to explain our inactivity, show our sincere desire for repentance, and our everlasting love for thee, dear Hrbekis,  we will attempt to show why we have faltered in our writing:

-What force could stand between a man and his love for his nation? Only a Jezebellian harlot and her feminine wiles. Fear not, for Kirby hath made me see through this villain’s evil intentions (White Sux conspiracy anyone?), and she has been dealt with. No I did not kill her, I only dumped her… and cut off her arms and legs.

-School- I am finished with a hellish blitz of finals, and am happy to say that I have realized my priorities were out of whack. School before Hrbekistan? What a foolish man am I. What do I have to show for it? Only a cramping hand and a burning sense of discontent.I will never make this mistake again.

-Senor Dickbaby is on a secret mission in France to root out any foreign affinity for the White Sux. The results have been successful thus far, and he is enjoying his time there very much. He sends his love.

-Chip has started his stand up comedy career. He has been performing weekly at open-mics, and doing quite a good job. However, he has not in his success, forgetten Kirby’s most benevolent blessings

-Chip and I currently live together and are out of internet at the moment should be back up soon, I write this at my sister’s house.

So I say on behalf of your comrades here at Hrbekistan, we are sincerely going to try to get this blog going again! Just as Jose Mijares seeks to break his trashcan defecation addiction, so we seek to beat our slump(only we, unlike El Fatino are capable of doing this).

Is this season wrecked beyond control? Maybe if we didn’t have the tater mashing of Big Jim Toe-Meat, the beauty of Joe Mauer, miraculously bogus no-hitter’s by Messieur Francisco, oodles of poop filled garbage cans- and most of all let us not forget Kirby, along with his comrade Steve Irwin, still smile upon this fair nation.

Hail Kirby, full of cheese.
The Hall contains thee.
A man art thou among boys,
And fruitless are the cries of thy haters,
Whitesux.
Awesome Kirby, winner of Rings,
Fortify our Nation,
Mighty with or without Jesse Crain.
Amen.

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Two days ago, we advised you to offer your Hail Kirby’s that we could re-sign Jim Thome and Carl Pavano. One day later what happens? Our very own tater-masher has signed a one year- $3 Million Dollar contract. (to be further expanded upon by Chip) Coincidence? I think not.

Because of it’s evident power, I hereby dub the Hail Kirby the official prayer of Hrbekistan. This prayer was written by Hrbekistan’s own spiritual guru- our National Minister- Neil.

 

Hail Kirby, full of cheese.
The Hall contains thee.
A man art thou among boys,
And fruitless are the cries of thy haters,
Whitesux.
Awesome Kirby, winner of Rings,
Fortify our Nation,
Mighty with or without Jesse Crain.
Amen.

 

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Most benevolent (and late) New Years wishes to the loyal citizenry of Hrbekistan. We’re back after a nice little vacation. Baseball season is practically here (pitchers + Joe Mauer report in about 30 days). Since SOOOOO much has happened since we have gone we thought we would give a representation of the Twins offseason in a nutshell.

We hereby welcome the most honorable Tsuyoshi Nishioka- the first Japanese Twin since the great Micheal Nakamura.  http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/n/nakammi01.shtml

Here is a toast of sake that your major league career will bring  more prosperity and production then your predecessor.

In honor of your addition I have  opened the proverbial fortune cookie and have found this fortune:

There you have it ladies and gentlemen it seems  that fate has smiled upon our very own samurai.

In coming days we in Hrbekistan hope to emerge from our period of hibernation fatter and sassier than ever.

PS As a brief note hopefully to be enlarged upon later- we would like to congratulate Bert on being inducted in to the Hall of Fame!

PPS Let us all hope and pray and chant hail Kirby’s that Big Jim Toe-Meat will re-sign as well as Carl “Luigi” Pavano.

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For Hrbekis there are basically only two seasons: baseball and get ready for baseball to start again. The latter, also known as winter- sucks. With the disappointment we’ve experienced recently in the ALDS, aka Yankee Rapage part CXVIIDVISIXXPPI (OMG FREAKY THATS EXACTLY THE ROMAN NUMERAL THE LAND BEFORE TIME SERIES IS ON NOW) many Hrbekis are finding themselves unprepared to face the upcoming winter.

Thankfully, the Glorious Nation of Hrbekistan has issued an official declaration concerning this outbreak of seasonal affective disorder/national suicide watch.

To cope with the seasonal change the leaders of the Glorious Nation of Hrbekistan advise the following:

-Do NOT watch, think about, or remember any details surrounding Yankee Rapage part CXVIIDVISIXXPPI.

-Rather look forward to next year and begin building an unhealthy amount of enthusiasm.

-To substitute addiction to Twins Games, the medical experts at TGNH advise the picking up of an intermediary addiction such as eating disorders, crack cocaine or meth-amphetamines.

-Continue to read the Glorious Nation of Hrbekistan- there will continue to be posts written regularly, there will not for obvious reasons be any nine innings posts, but we are hoping to start some regular features as well as updates on offseason moves, etc.

-Although we may have faced a setback, remember the Glorious Nation of Hrbekistan will not and CANNOT fail.

LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS NATION OF HRBEKISTAN!!

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Following the Twins clinching of the central, us three Hrbeki’s have been on a crazy celebratory wild goat hunting retreat. We have returned however and shall resume nine innings goodness with the beginning of the Royals series today.

A recap of what’s been going on in TGNH while we were slaying goats:

-The Twins enjoy their pre-playoffs vacation, sweeping the Indians then getting swept by the Tigers. Come on who cares really?

-Danny Valencia gets out his mighty tater mashing stick on Saturday making yet a stronger case for ROY consideration. Here’s a good article about it preceding his 2 HR game Saturday:

http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/danny-valencias-rookie-of-the-year-case/

-Jim Thome graces the cover of Sports Illustrated, and is featured in a great article! In  related news, an official Hrbeki mandate requires all Hrbeki citizens to not only read this article but memorize it in completion and recite it every morning while physically covered in country gravy. If you are not yet in compliance read the article here or you may risk having the commander of the Hrbeki secret police, Matt Lecroy busting your door down. *Warning: Regardless of  your sexuality after reading this article you will certainly wish Jim was your “prairie homer companion”.

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