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Archive for the ‘Palate Cleanser’ Category

The Twins have been on quite a tear lately, and while this season has not sucked nearly as bad as last season, (for reasons I shall explain in the next few days) we are still at a dismal 5-13.  That means a superior palate cleanser is in order. And so I bring to the attention of all those who are not aware, one of my favorite shows, Justified.

Justified tells the story of Raylan Givens (Timothy Oliphant) a US Marshall and bonafide B.A.M.F. who after getting in to some trouble, is assigned to work in his home state of Kentucky, dividing his time between the big city of Lexington and the quintessential hillbilly town of Harlan. Walton Goggins from the Shield plays Boyd Crowder, Raylan’s awesome nemesis(kind-of)/one of the most awesome characters on TV.

As our loyal readers may or may not be aware, Dick Baby and I were born and raised in Kentucky, with Chip being born in Minnesota and raised here as well. We all can certify to its authenticity of Kentucky geography, mannerisms, accents, etc. but more than that, we just love the show.

Justified just finished it’s third season, all of which have been excellently acted, directed, and written. It’s a lot of fun. It has the feel of a cool modern western.

Here’s the teaser for the first season:

I’m not trying to tell you that you can’t descend in a downward spiral of cocaine/amphetamine/pcp/spousal abuse as you watch the Twins’ season implode- I’m just saying watching some Justified will undoubtedly make it a funner ride.

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It is unfortunate that we are in such critical need of a palate cleanser this early in the season. As you know, the Twins are officially off to a 0-4 start which includes getting swept, no less, by the Orioles. The term palate cleanser is most commonly associated with cute hors d’oeuvres, but we all may be in need of something like  a cocktail of bleach, drano, and shark blood, drunk out of poorly chosen grail:

The “uber aging nazi” was pretty awesome but I do think another Indiana Jones death (the uber melting nazi) gets the slight edge:

Let us leave the mild milk-exiting-through-eye-sockets-lacking world of Indiana Jones and venture to something that is a little more sinister/enjoyable. COOKIES ANYONE?:

And finally the melting death masterpiece:

Let us all grab our golden gauntlets, scoop up some of that flesh-toned brain ooze, and toast to a Twins victory!

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Following each Twins loss, we present you with something lovely, mirthful, or thought-provoking–something entirely unrelated to baseball. Consider the Glorious Nation your local watering-hole. Come here after a loss and drown your sorrows in nut-shots, animals dressed like people, etc.

As the strikeouts speed by, blurring into one another, I enter a hypnotic trance, in which my mind wanders from mundane crapitude to dwell in the realm of the fantastic, where anything is possible. Cue a sick beat from Clams Casino. Enter David Copperfield. Experience the impossible.

Note: Go Twins.

If you think tricks are things that Chip Kincaid does for money or candy, you can follow him on Twitter.

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Following each Twins loss, we present you with something lovely, mirthful, or thought-provoking–something entirely unrelated to baseball. Consider the Glorious Nation your local watering-hole. Come here after a loss and drown your sorrows in nut-shots, animals dressed like people, etc.

Are you sad? Remember: food is your friend. Today, I present to you some of the best dishes upon which I’ve ever laid my fork.

Copper Onion - SLC - ricotta dumplings, thyme, lemon

Sunset Grill - Nashville - sweet & sour smoked duck, wrapped in a scallion pancake with papaya salad, toasted coconut, & creme fraiche

Lotus of Siam - Las Vegas - roasted duck, pineapple, bell pepper, and tomato, in a red curry base with a touch of coconut milk

If any of these foods had the requisite orifices, I would make sweet love to each of them, cook them breakfast in the morning, and then eat them.

If you like your tweets a little sweet, with a whole heap of savory, you can follow Chip Kincaid on Twitter.

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Following each Twins loss, we present you with something lovely, mirthful, or thought-provoking–something entirely unrelated to baseball. Consider the Glorious Nation your local watering-hole. Come here after a loss and drown your sorrows in nut-shots, animals dressed like people, etc.

Last nights bullpen implosion was depressing yet predictable. Let’s turn our thoughts to the ambiguous sexuality and funny antics of soccer!

via comedy.com

This guy just hit an own goal off of his own face. BUMMER



 The miraculous ankle healing power of anger.


This guy is a bonafide B.A.M.F.

boners make cristiano question the meaning of lifeMany occurrences in life can prompt existential thought-  a sunrise, the birth of a child, and apparently for Cristiano Ronaldo- another man’s boner.

Soccer is a sport where men can express themselves in beautiful ways.

And my personal favorite…

… the CELEBRATORY DONG MUNCH!!!! We all know winning can arouse such powerful emotions that sometimes we  just can’t resist biting our teammates wiener.

New material for butt punching Carl Pavano?

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Following each Twins loss, we present you with something lovely, mirthful, or thought-provoking–something entirely unrelated to baseball. Consider the Glorious Nation your local watering-hole. Come here after a loss and drown your sorrows in nut-shots, animals dressed like people, etc.

Sometimes a loss hits so hard, you don’t know how to go on living. Sometimes they burn slowly and deeply in the shadows of the soul. In some cases, there’s only one recourse, and that’s imagining how things could be worse. In that spirit, I present to you, Insane Clown Posse’s video for their song, “Miracles.”

We don’t have to be high to look in the sky
And know that’s a miracle opened wide
Look at the mountains, trees, the seven seas
And everything chilling underwater, please
Hot lava, snow, rain and fog
Long neck giraffes, and pet cats and dogs…

The sun and the moon, and even Mars
The Milky Way and f**king shooting stars
UFOs, a river flows
Plant a little seed and nature grows…

F**king rainbows after it rains
there’s enough miracles here to blow your brains
I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay
It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away…

Water, fire, air and dirt
F**king magnets, how do they work?
And I don’t wanna talk to a scientist
Y’all motherf**kers lying, and getting me pissed…

In some alternate universe, the Twins won last night. But, in some other alternate universe, you listen to this shit. Rejoice and be present in this universe.

If you want to witness daily miracles of mirth, you can follow Chip Kincaid on Twitter.

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With 9 consecutive losses- our palates have been cleansed extensively. No oral lesions here! HOORAH!

But just in case your recent herpes outbreak is not sufficiently healed, the Twins have lost another! HOORAH! I hereby present you the Wilford Brimley- cat comparison chart:

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