The Palate Cleanser: Hypnosis

Following each Twins loss, we present you with something lovely, mirthful, or thought-provoking–something entirely unrelated to baseball. Consider the Glorious Nation your local watering-hole. Come here after a loss and drown your sorrows in nut-shots, animals dressed like people, etc.

As the strikeouts speed by, blurring into one another, I enter a hypnotic trance, in which my mind wanders from mundane crapitude to dwell in the realm of the fantastic, where anything is possible. Cue a sick beat from Clams Casino. Enter David Copperfield. Experience the impossible.

Note: Go Twins.

If you think tricks are things that Chip Kincaid does for money or candy, you can follow him on Twitter.

Coping with Last Place Depression

Do you have problems feeling happy for days and months at a time? Do you not find joy in many of the activities you used to love- such as watching Twins games? Do you struggle with thoughts of suicide or murder on a regular basis?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you might be suffering from holycrapthisseasonsuckssobadiwishwewerentinlastplaceiwanttokill                     -myselfandothersisitis more commonly known as last place depression.

Coping with last place depression can be difficult at times- you may be left to ponder questions such as- Does God hate me? Did my parents raise me out of spite hoping that I would be miserable? Should I set the local chinese restaurant on fire? Are my children actually aliens implanted by Satan to rape and torture me and steal my money and food? While such questioning can prove to be useful in rooting out these evil traitors in our lives, they oftentimes lead to punishable offenses being committed.

Thankfully there is a way out.

The professionals at Hrbekistan Health & Pharmaceuticals Inc. through years of testing have developed a cure. Early testing conducted in one particular study showed that eating excessive amounts of chicken wings could at least during consumption help to numb the pains of last place depression (LeCroy, 2002).

HHP in later years discovered a breakthrough in treatment of this disease: it was proven that in fact that when the White Sox lose at the hands of the Twins the symptoms of Last Place Depression not only disappear altogether for those who watch, but the worldwide infant mortality rate decreases by 74%, rape and violent crimes decrease by 48%, enmity between Isrealis and Palestinians actually cease for a time, and the overall sinfulness of the world decreases by 67%.

As such we advise all Hrbeki citizens to at least temporarily divert their attention from murdering their children and burning down Chinese restaurants to sabotaging the White Sux and watching the Twins win the series. Such a plan offers promise in eradicating this dreadful disease.

We here at HHP are committed to the welfare of every hrbeki citizen- we may still feel the effects of last place depression throughout this season, but at least for one series let us make the world free of  this awful epidemic.

Thank you.

Hrbekistan Health and Pharmaceuticals Inc.

A Completely Uncynical Celebration of a Sweep of the Royals

Today, the Twins completed a four-game sweep of the Royals, and I’m not even going to let myself be cynical about it.

So what if it was against a pretty bad team? So what if the Twins are still in last place? So what if they’re still 12.5 GAMES out in the division? So what if they’d still have to sweep the next SIX SERIES just to get above .500? So what if it was THE F**KING ROYALS and a year ago I would have never thought of it as ANY SORT OF REASONABLY NOTEWORTHY ACCOMPLISHMENT? SO WHAT IF EVEN A SLIGHT IMPROVEMENT MIGHT GIVE TWINS MANAGEMENT A FALSE SENSE OF HOPE, FOLLOWED BY THEIR TRADING KYLE GIBSON FOR A PROVEN CLOSER LIKE KYLE FARNSWORTH FOLLOWED BY THEIR SIGNING ALEXI CASILLA AND DREW BUTERA TO LIFETIME CONTRACT EXTENSIONS FOLLOWED BY THE TWINS BEING AWFUL FOREVER AND EVER?

No sir, no cynicism here. Just good ol’ fashioned motherf**king hope.

If you want to bear witness to his eventual Twins-related suicide, follow Chip Kincaid on Twitter

The Palate Cleanser: Food to Lust After

Following each Twins loss, we present you with something lovely, mirthful, or thought-provoking–something entirely unrelated to baseball. Consider the Glorious Nation your local watering-hole. Come here after a loss and drown your sorrows in nut-shots, animals dressed like people, etc.

Are you sad? Remember: food is your friend. Today, I present to you some of the best dishes upon which I’ve ever laid my fork.

Copper Onion - SLC - ricotta dumplings, thyme, lemon

Sunset Grill - Nashville - sweet & sour smoked duck, wrapped in a scallion pancake with papaya salad, toasted coconut, & creme fraiche

Lotus of Siam - Las Vegas - roasted duck, pineapple, bell pepper, and tomato, in a red curry base with a touch of coconut milk

If any of these foods had the requisite orifices, I would make sweet love to each of them, cook them breakfast in the morning, and then eat them.

If you like your tweets a little sweet, with a whole heap of savory, you can follow Chip Kincaid on Twitter.

9 Innings- 5/24/2011- vs. Mariners

First Inning

Denard triples, Kubel singles with 2 outs to bring him home. Twins 1-Mariners 0

The Twins get off to a good start thanks to our dynamic-duo of non-suckiness. Imagine how bad the Twins would have been up to this point if neither of these guys had played well. Span is really having a heck of a season already amassing 2.5 WAR which is only .1 less than what he ended with last year.

Second Inning

"So disCusting"

Thanks to the epic base-running of Jack Cust, and a nice throw by Kubel- Nick Blackburn gets out of the inning with no runs allowed.

Third Inning

It is nice to see that Matt Tolbert has finally come to grips with his masterbunting problem. If you have a stat line  of .162, 0HR, 2 RBI through 70 AB and are batting second something is wrong. Just bunt. Oh well at least it worked- Alexi Casilla scores on the squeeze putting the Twins up 2-0.

Fourth Inning

As if Kubel wasn’t content in just being one of the only good batters on our team he goes and makes a nice defensive play. He may not be agile but he can dive- like any good possum can. Mariners tie it up in the inning though at 2-2.

Fifth Inning

It looks as if the Twins have a new song by New Medicine called “Resolve to Fight”.  This might be inspirational in our current situation were it not from the album entitled Race You to the Bottom.

Sixth Inning

Nick Blackburn goes one two three getting the side to groundout. That my friends is called getting BLACKBURNED. Take that Chone!

Seventh Inning

Denard hits an RBI double after Rivera scores on Fister’s balk. PLEASE MORE DENARD ON MY SPANCAKES!

Eighth and Ninth Innings

LOL Smoak just got BLACKBURNT. Oh the hilarious irony. Blackburn retires the final six batters in order. What a game by Blackburn- a CG (keeping the bullpen out of the game… phew) 7 hits, 2 ER, and even 6 K’s! THOSE SEAMEN GOT BLACKBURNT.

The Palate Cleanser: Soccer is funny

Following each Twins loss, we present you with something lovely, mirthful, or thought-provoking–something entirely unrelated to baseball. Consider the Glorious Nation your local watering-hole. Come here after a loss and drown your sorrows in nut-shots, animals dressed like people, etc.

Last nights bullpen implosion was depressing yet predictable. Let’s turn our thoughts to the ambiguous sexuality and funny antics of soccer!

via comedy.com

This guy just hit an own goal off of his own face. BUMMER

 The miraculous ankle healing power of anger.

This guy is a bonafide B.A.M.F.

Many occurrences in life can prompt existential thought-  a sunrise, the birth of a child, and apparently for Cristiano Ronaldo- another man’s boner.

Soccer is a sport where men can express themselves in beautiful ways.

And my personal favorite…

… the CELEBRATORY DONG MUNCH!!!! We all know winning can arouse such powerful emotions that sometimes we  just can’t resist biting our teammates wiener.

New material for butt punching Carl Pavano?