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The Twins have been on quite a tear lately, and while this season has not sucked nearly as bad as last season, (for reasons I shall explain in the next few days) we are still at a dismal 5-13.  That means a superior palate cleanser is in order. And so I bring to the attention of all those who are not aware, one of my favorite shows, Justified.

Justified tells the story of Raylan Givens (Timothy Oliphant) a US Marshall and bonafide B.A.M.F. who after getting in to some trouble, is assigned to work in his home state of Kentucky, dividing his time between the big city of Lexington and the quintessential hillbilly town of Harlan. Walton Goggins from the Shield plays Boyd Crowder, Raylan’s awesome nemesis(kind-of)/one of the most awesome characters on TV.

As our loyal readers may or may not be aware, Dick Baby and I were born and raised in Kentucky, with Chip being born in Minnesota and raised here as well. We all can certify to its authenticity of Kentucky geography, mannerisms, accents, etc. but more than that, we just love the show.

Justified just finished it’s third season, all of which have been excellently acted, directed, and written. It’s a lot of fun. It has the feel of a cool modern western.

Here’s the teaser for the first season:

I’m not trying to tell you that you can’t descend in a downward spiral of cocaine/amphetamine/pcp/spousal abuse as you watch the Twins’ season implode- I’m just saying watching some Justified will undoubtedly make it a funner ride.

It is unfortunate that we are in such critical need of a palate cleanser this early in the season. As you know, the Twins are officially off to a 0-4 start which includes getting swept, no less, by the Orioles. The term palate cleanser is most commonly associated with cute hors d’oeuvres, but we all may be in need of something like  a cocktail of bleach, drano, and shark blood, drunk out of poorly chosen grail:

The “uber aging nazi” was pretty awesome but I do think another Indiana Jones death (the uber melting nazi) gets the slight edge:

Let us leave the mild milk-exiting-through-eye-sockets-lacking world of Indiana Jones and venture to something that is a little more sinister/enjoyable. COOKIES ANYONE?:

And finally the melting death masterpiece:

Let us all grab our golden gauntlets, scoop up some of that flesh-toned brain ooze, and toast to a Twins victory!

Okay, so we started the season by losing to Baltimore! Let’s comfort ourselves by viewing arguably the best Twins commercial ever! Big Lebowski + Kent Hrbek= Awesome.

And to remind you of the glory that is the Big Lebowski, behold this wonderful clip (WARNING: There is a brief topless woman at the very end of the video, I tried to post my own version without the boobs but youtube blocked it so blame it on Youtube)

On another note, one of the bright spots of today’s game was definitely Willingham’s home run. In commemoration of his dinger, I present today’s Urban Dictionary word of the day: Ham (http://ham.urbanup.com/2979447) As in, sweet molasses- Josh just hammed that ball to Duluth!

Let us hope some other players come out ready to ham tomorrow!

I know it’s been a while since we posted here at Hrbekistan but you won’t believe what I discovered. The World is going to end THIS YEAR! WTF?

For those of you who don’t keep up on these current events here is some excellent starting material:

I don’t know if it was the rousing rendition of John Lennon’s Imagine, or the frightening imagery, but let me just say I felt something.

Wow! That my friends, is quite intense! (On a personal note, guy who played Nostradamus if you are reading this, that was truly a masterful depiction.)

Inspired by these videos, I spent most of the last seven to eight months engrossed in the prophecies of Nostradamus. While searching for further direction on how I can avoid imminent doom and destruction, I happened upon some prophecies that I found could be useful in predicting the performance of the Twins in this, their final season. I have included my interpretation of such.

This one appears to have already been fulfilled:

“And lo the diminished man of weak stick

that hath found favor with his king

shalt be seen for what he is

and exiled from the kingdom.”

Only the will of God could have wrested Drew Butera from the delicate grasp of his loyal advocate in Gardy.

“Succeeding the silencing of the woman with an angels tongue

a man with a golden club whose name rings of power

shalt exalt his nation of identical siblings in victory

through the consummate battle of the uniform-clad nations”

First, GOD REST YOUR SOUL WHITNEY HOUSTON!

Second, Mauer and his golden club lead our Twins to the World Series? Could it be true? It must be- for our homeboy Nostrils (as he is affectionately known) prophesied it.

“Behold the man of broken head shalt recover

from hither leading his nation to victory

and demonstrateth inimitable strength

surpriseth the nations with his far-fled spheres”

How wonderful! Morneau will be happy to know his concussed brain will work well enough for him to fling some spheres over the fence.

Rejoice brethren of Hrbekistan for Nostradamus has foretold our success!

Image

May we all enjoy this season and be grateful for the opportunity to behold one last year of Twins glory!

HAPPY OPENING (DOOMS)DAY 2012

Following each Twins loss, we present you with something lovely, mirthful, or thought-provoking–something entirely unrelated to baseball. Consider the Glorious Nation your local watering-hole. Come here after a loss and drown your sorrows in nut-shots, animals dressed like people, etc.

As the strikeouts speed by, blurring into one another, I enter a hypnotic trance, in which my mind wanders from mundane crapitude to dwell in the realm of the fantastic, where anything is possible. Cue a sick beat from Clams Casino. Enter David Copperfield. Experience the impossible.

Note: Go Twins.

If you think tricks are things that Chip Kincaid does for money or candy, you can follow him on Twitter.

Do you have problems feeling happy for days and months at a time? Do you not find joy in many of the activities you used to love- such as watching Twins games? Do you struggle with thoughts of suicide or murder on a regular basis?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you might be suffering from holycrapthisseasonsuckssobadiwishwewerentinlastplaceiwanttokill                     -myselfandothersisitis more commonly known as last place depression.

Coping with last place depression can be difficult at times- you may be left to ponder questions such as- Does God hate me? Did my parents raise me out of spite hoping that I would be miserable? Should I set the local chinese restaurant on fire? Are my children actually aliens implanted by Satan to rape and torture me and steal my money and food? While such questioning can prove to be useful in rooting out these evil traitors in our lives, they oftentimes lead to punishable offenses being committed.

Thankfully there is a way out.

The professionals at Hrbekistan Health & Pharmaceuticals Inc. through years of testing have developed a cure. Early testing conducted in one particular study showed that eating excessive amounts of chicken wings could at least during consumption help to numb the pains of last place depression (LeCroy, 2002).

HHP in later years discovered a breakthrough in treatment of this disease: it was proven that in fact that when the White Sox lose at the hands of the Twins the symptoms of Last Place Depression not only disappear altogether for those who watch, but the worldwide infant mortality rate decreases by 74%, rape and violent crimes decrease by 48%, enmity between Isrealis and Palestinians actually cease for a time, and the overall sinfulness of the world decreases by 67%.

As such we advise all Hrbeki citizens to at least temporarily divert their attention from murdering their children and burning down Chinese restaurants to sabotaging the White Sux and watching the Twins win the series. Such a plan offers promise in eradicating this dreadful disease.

We here at HHP are committed to the welfare of every hrbeki citizen- we may still feel the effects of last place depression throughout this season, but at least for one series let us make the world free of  this awful epidemic.

Thank you.

Hrbekistan Health and Pharmaceuticals Inc.

Today, the Twins completed a four-game sweep of the Royals, and I’m not even going to let myself be cynical about it.

So what if it was against a pretty bad team? So what if the Twins are still in last place? So what if they’re still 12.5 GAMES out in the division? So what if they’d still have to sweep the next SIX SERIES just to get above .500? So what if it was THE F**KING ROYALS and a year ago I would have never thought of it as ANY SORT OF REASONABLY NOTEWORTHY ACCOMPLISHMENT? SO WHAT IF EVEN A SLIGHT IMPROVEMENT MIGHT GIVE TWINS MANAGEMENT A FALSE SENSE OF HOPE, FOLLOWED BY THEIR TRADING KYLE GIBSON FOR A PROVEN CLOSER LIKE KYLE FARNSWORTH FOLLOWED BY THEIR SIGNING ALEXI CASILLA AND DREW BUTERA TO LIFETIME CONTRACT EXTENSIONS FOLLOWED BY THE TWINS BEING AWFUL FOREVER AND EVER?

No sir, no cynicism here. Just good ol’ fashioned motherf**king hope.

If you want to bear witness to his eventual Twins-related suicide, follow Chip Kincaid on Twitter

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